Shitholes

Back in January 2018, President Trump asked members of the House and Senate,  “Why do we want all these people from ‘shithole countries’ coming here?”

This is a short satirical essay I wrote back then in response to that comment.

Do not send me comments. It’s satire.

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It’s about time this whole shithole thing is out in the open because everybody everywhere is tired of pretending everything is so great. Sure, things weren’t so bad in 1985 when WrestleMania debuted at Madison Square Garden, but that was a long time ago and it’s been all downhill since then. That’s because all anybody does is think of themselves. The media and celebrities don’t help either. Social science is a complicated thing, but one thing is for sure: shitholes are everywhere.

California – Of all the shithole places in the world, California is the shitholiest. I know because I live there. Whatever the weather, it’s total crap, and don’t even ask me about the sunsets. All yellow and orange and purple like a bunch of Teletubbies exploded in the sky and I wouldn’t mind if they did. California is crowded too and full of people from other shitholes like the Midwest, and the South and the East Coast. If you like people, you might find the whole diversity thing interesting, but I don’t because all any of them ever do is get in my way, especially when I’m driving to the gym, trying to get there before all the yoga mommies stake out their territory in Exercise Room A.

Since the beginning of time, everybody’s always been going west, looking for less of a shithole than the place they just left, and when they find it, they immediately start spreading themselves out and shooting dirty looks to the first newcomer or out-of-shape middle-aged lady who rolls out her mat too close to theirs. Well, you can stop coming west, young men and women, and all you old farts too. It’s a shithole out here, and expensive also, and when you get here and find out, don’t blame me. I tried to warn you, and where west are you going to go from here? Into the Pacific Ocean?

Pacific Ocean – This ocean is a shithole and I mean literally. People pee in it all the time. I can tell because they’ll be laughing and playing in it, jumping up and down in the waves on the shore, and then all of a sudden they’ll stop and stand real still. That’s when they’re peeing. I know because I’ve done it myself. It’s practically impossible to pee when you’re jumping up and down. I’m sure there’s some stupid biological explanation for that, like the body can only do one thing at a time, but whatever the reason, it’s better to stand still and relax, which isn’t easy to do when a big wave is about to slam you into the sand.

You may not know this if you went to some shithole public school like I did, but pacific means “peaceful.” Some European explorer named this ocean that even though he didn’t come close to California, probably because he could tell it was shithole from his binoculars. The Pacific Ocean has more islands than any other ocean, but most of them are shithole islands. I’ve only been to Hawaii, but if that’s any indicator, then you can trust me on this. I know a lot of people love Hawaii, but when I went it rained, and any place that calls itself paradise is hiding something. Too bad this shithole ocean doesn’t have some magic underground city like Atlantis.

Atlantis – Is this shithole even real? Isn’t it more likely that this place just dropped off the edge of Spain and sunk? That’s why every continent is a shithole, I don’t even need to pick one. They’re all shifty and I don’t trust a one of them. Since the beginning of time all these things do is whatever the hell they want and who cares if you just built a mansion on the coast or a city on an island. I had a boyfriend once who did whatever the hell he wanted and I said, Goodbye, Charlie. He got confused when I said that because his name was Rick, but he already had one foot out the door anyway.

I don’t know why everybody always has to make up some fantasy story about what happened in 1862 or where they’re went on a Saturday evening. It’s like the whole history of the world, and dinosaurs too. Do you really believe that whole story about a comet smashing into earth and choking the skies of sunlight and oxygen, taking out all the dinosaurs? Probably what really happened is they all decided this was a shithole planet and starved themselves to death or got the hell out of here on the next comet to go extraterrestrially west to some other planet like the moon.

The Moon – Shithole planet. According to the internet, the name of moon is, get this, the moon. That’s because the internet is a shithole of information. Oh sure, the internet goes into some ridiculous explanation about how “moon” is a name just like Bertha is a name, but I don’t trust anything I read on the internet, especially regarding facts. Whatever it’s called, what did we ever find there? Nothing but rocks and dust and dirt, and we spent billions of dollars to prove it. Hell, we even planted a flag so we could say this shithole belongs to us. I wouldn’t fly to that piece of crap planet if they paid me even if space travel is the thing of the future and there’s plenty of room for my yoga mat there.


The Milky Way – Do I even have to say it? I’m not going anywhere until I can get the hell out of this shithole galaxy and go to Norway.